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Author Topic: Dueling Monty Python Quotes  (Read 10312 times)

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Offline Jen

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2008, 04:20:17 PM »
Is she a goer? Does she go? Hint-hint, nudge-nudge.. know what I mean? Know what I mean?

SAY NO MORE!
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Offline Data

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2008, 04:23:43 PM »
is she into games....

yes she likes cricket
"Commander. You just sit tight. We'll have this all fixed up in time for supper. "

Offline KC

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2008, 04:28:07 PM »
I never wanted to be a barber anyway... I wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!

Offline Jen

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2008, 04:29:54 PM »
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.... I work all night and I sleep all day!
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Offline Data

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #19 on: September 20, 2008, 04:30:02 PM »
Yes! Whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by International Communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready!
"Commander. You just sit tight. We'll have this all fixed up in time for supper. "

Offline KC

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #20 on: September 20, 2008, 04:44:42 PM »
Look, I came in here for an argument!

Offline Jen

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2008, 04:50:58 PM »
Oh... oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
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Offline moyer777

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #22 on: September 20, 2008, 07:46:48 PM »
and now for something completely different.

I have been and always will be, your friend.
Listen to our podcast each week http://www.takehimwithyou.com

Offline KC

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #23 on: September 20, 2008, 08:43:16 PM »
It's...

Offline Trekkygeek

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2008, 01:38:29 AM »
He's not the Messiah.... He's a very naughty boy
You could learn something from Mr Spock Doctor..... Stop thinking with your glands"

Offline Trekkygeek

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2008, 01:41:22 AM »
Presenter: One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

Vince: "Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor."

Interviewer: He nailed your head to the floor?

Vince: At first yeah

Presenter: Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy.

Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.

Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.

Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.

Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.

Interviewer: Why?

Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.

Interviewer: What had you done?

Stig: Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
You could learn something from Mr Spock Doctor..... Stop thinking with your glands"

Offline Meds

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2008, 05:30:54 AM »
...I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes. You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards. Well I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me.

Offline Trekkygeek

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2008, 05:35:19 AM »
I'm sorry for the mammoth size, but It's worth it. One of my faves.

The Players:
    John Cleese - Mousebender;
    Michael Palin - Wensleydale;
The Scene:
    An Edwardian-style shop which carries the signs:
    'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium';
    'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too';
    'Licensed for Public Dancing';
    Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki.
    Mousebender enters.

MOUSEBENDER:
    Good Morning.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, thank you my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:
    What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Peckish, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Esurient.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Eh?
MOUSEBENDER:
    (In a broad Yorkshire accent)  Eee I were all hungry, like.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah, hungry.
MOUSEBENDER:
    In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Come again?
MOUSEBENDER:
    I want to buy some cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry?
MOUSEBENDER:
    (In a broad Yorkshire accent)  Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
WENSLEYDALE:
    So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
WENSLEYDALE:
    I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
WENSLEYDALE:
    I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Red Windsor?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah. Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Emmental? Gruyère?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Liptauer?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Lancashire?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    White Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Danish Blue?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Double Gloucester?
WENSLEYDALE:
    ..... No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Cheshire?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Dorset Blue Vinney?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Camembert, perhaps?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You do! Excellent.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh, I like it runny.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!
WENSLEYDALE:
    I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    I don't care how fraking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER:
    What now?
WENSLEYDALE:
    The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Has he?
WENSLEYDALE:
    She, sir.

    (pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
    Gouda?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Edam?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Caithness?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Smoked Austrian?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Japanese Sage Darby?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You do have some cheese, do you?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER:
    No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Wensleydale?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.

    (pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
    Greek Feta?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Gorgonzola?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Parmesan?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Mozzarella?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Pippo Crème?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Danish Fimboe?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Czech sheep's milk?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Not today, sir, no.

    (pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, how about Cheddar?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
WENSLEYDALE:
    Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    And what is the most popular cheese round here?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ilchester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:
    It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
WENSLEYDALE:
    I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:
    You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it worth it?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Could be.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
WENSLEYDALE:
    (To dancers)  Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you got any Limburger?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Really?

    (pause)
WENSLEYDALE:
    No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You haven't.
WENSLEYDALE:
    No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Right-O, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    (Shoots him)  What a senseless waste of human life.
You could learn something from Mr Spock Doctor..... Stop thinking with your glands"

Offline Trekkygeek

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2008, 05:37:31 AM »
"Hello, I'd like a license for my pet fish Eric."
"How did you know my name was Eric?"
You could learn something from Mr Spock Doctor..... Stop thinking with your glands"

Offline Jen

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Re: Dueling Monty Python Quotes
« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2008, 06:19:17 AM »
Founding co-host of the Anomaly Podcast
AnomalyPodcast.com
@AnoamlyPodcast

 




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